REAL TALK || Biblical Confrontation (Part 2)

Matthew 18:15-18 New Living Translation

15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

18 “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven.

Real Talk Prioritizes Right Relationship

2024 IS THE YEAR OF BLESSING || Be Fruitful and Multiply

  • The Lord told us that He would bless our interpersonal relationships

    • This is one of the major ways we can position ourselves and our relationships for blessing

We Will Not Enjoy Right Relationships in the Body of Christ If We Do Not Embrace Biblical Confrontation

  • You can watch Part 1 to this message here

    • The message starts at 50:00:00

What is Biblical Confrontation?

Biblical confrontation is Jesus’ way of addressing the sin that harms relationships, while prioritizing the restoration of those relationships

  • At East Gate we use the axiom REAL TALK

COMMUNICATION || Real Talk

We “real talk” because we desire real relationships built on trust. We have 100% of our conversations, choosing to be authentic, honest, and open with one another. Awkward today, stronger tomorrow.

My Heart for REAL TALK at East Gate

​​Ephesians 4:15 New Living Translation

15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.

  • Real Talk is GOOD because followers of Jesus NEED to know how to speak the truth in love 

  • Real Talk is HEALTHY because it UNITES us as a body and causes us to grow more like Christ

  • East Gate, we need to lean into and MATURE in this area of our shared lives in Christ

    • This is blind spot in many of our lives, relationships, and walks

    • We work so hard not to say offensive things and hurt each other, rather than learning to speak the TRUTH in love

  • When we REFUSE to confront one another in love, or to have real talk, we are creating UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS

    • Crazy ways we keep unhealthy people/situations chill to avoid actually dealing them

What Does Biblical Confrontation (REAL TALK) Look Like?

ROUND 1 || Recap

Matthew 18:15 New Living Translation

15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.

  • IF another BELIEVER SINS against YOU

    • There is a difference between sin and someone doing something that you didn’t like

    • Sometimes you only THINK someone sinned against you

      • CLARIFICATION should ALWAYS precede CONFRONTATION

      • Clarification can prevent UNNECESSARY confrontation

  • Go PRIVATELY

    • This COVERS one another

      • Covering is NOT pretending or lying

      • If you have to lie, you’re not covering someone, you’re creating dysfunction

    • Exceptions

      • Child abuse

      • Life or death situations

  • POINT out the OFFENSE

    • Be specific

    • Be honest

ROUND 2

Matthew 18:16 New Living Translation

16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 

  • If YOU are UNSUCCESSFUL in ROUND 1

    • Jesus’ places the responsibility of success on the confronter in round 1, the person who initiates the real talk

      • “I didn’t communicate that well enough, clearly enough, etc.”

      • This perspective GUARDS our HEARTS in the midst of difficult confrontation/real talk

    • Take as much time as is needed to ensure that you have CLARIFIED and UNDERSTAND the other person

    • Take as much time as is needed/appropriate to ensure that you have COMMUNICATED, CLARIFIED, and CONFIRMED that they understand you

      • It is YOUR responsibility to make sure you have communicated as clearly as you can

      • This should NEVER be a once and done, “well I tried, but they won’t listen”

    • Going privately should happen for every new/repeated sin or offense. 

      • Matthew 18:21-22

      • No statute of limitations

      • If they listen and confess consider the case closed

  • Take 1-2 OTHERS and GO BACK again

    • Look for seasoned, mature, and godly people

      • Men/women of God who have faithfully served the Lord longer than you, and are still growing in the Lord

        • Don’t always have to be older than you

      • Men/women of God who have a history of confronting/telling people the truth in love

        • They love truth and health more than comfort and convenience

    • Ask them to be a witness to biblical confrontation/real talk

      • Share the facts and the PROCESS that brought you to them

      • “I am having a disagreement with Brother Cucumber, I believe there might be some miscommunication and/or misunderstanding. Will you come and help us better understand one another?”

    • Avoid the Fellowship of the Offended

      • People who are just as hurt as you, offended, bitter, and resentful as you. 

      • You will separate yourself further from the person rather than minister reconciliation unto the body

        • Offended people will keep your offense, unforgiveness, and bitterness alive and growing

          • This will encourage fleshly division within the body rather than the reconciliation and restoration of relationship that Jesus intends for His body

        • You need people who will help you fight for the relationship and health, not vindication

  • The RESPONSIBILITY of Witnesses

    • FAIRNESS

      • You are NOT “back-up” for someone

        • A HEALTHY witness loves both parties in a biblical confrontation

      • It is not good to get too many BIASED details from only one person

Proverbs 18:17 New King James Version

17 The first one to plead his cause seems right,
Until his neighbor comes and examines him.

  • If you have been entrusted with the honor and responsibility of serving the body as a witness, the responsibility to COVER is now yours

    • The devil is our only enemy

    • Too often, we allow ourselves to be swayed by who/what we hear FIRST

  • The situation will only become clear when we hear from both parties, when they are TOGETHER

  • CONFIRMATION

    • You want to ensure that what is SAID can be CONFIRMED

      • 93% of communication is non-verbal, it is not the words said, it is the intention communicated that needs confirmation

        • Body language - 55%

        • Tone of voice - 38%

        • Choice of words - 7%

    • This means that the goal of the witness is to CONFIRM the heart (thoughts, feelings, and desires) of what is SAID, NOT just the LITERAL WORDS used

  • The witness does nothing more than help clarify, and confirm what is being communicated and understood in the confrontation

    • They don’t determine who is right or wrong, BECAUSE THAT IS NOT THE GOAL OF REAL TALK/CONFRONTATION

      • The RELATIONSHIP is the goal, we desire to WIN THE PERSON

  • PASTORAL CAUTION || The issue MIGHT be YOU

    • The 1-2 witnesses may reveal that YOUR heart/motivation is WRONG as the confronter

      • Real talk is NEVER about being RIGHT, it is about being HONEST

    • This will NEVER be an issue if your goal is to WIN the person and not the argument

  • If the PERSON REFUSES to LISTEN

    • Listen = Hear and understand what you’re trying to communicate (your heart/motivation)

    • Jesus places the responsibility of success on the witnesses and the confronted in ROUND 2

      • Head vs Heart issues

        • A head issue requires patience, further clarification, and kindness to bring about understanding

1 Thessalonians 5:14 New Living Translation

14 Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone.

  • A heart issue requires greater levels of confrontation

    • Someone has a heart issue when their personal thoughts, feelings, and desires are prioritized over a correct understanding

    • If someone is committed to misunderstanding you it is at this point in the journey where their heart issue is exposed before the witnesses

  • Church leadership bears the responsibility to navigate conflicts at this level

ROUND 3

Matthew 18:17-18 New Living Translation

17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

18 “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven.

  • Take YOUR CASE to the CHURCH

    • The 1-2 witnesses confirm that first two biblical steps have been taken

      • When you SKIP or RUSH steps you CREATE DYSFUNCTION

  • The CHURCH makes the final DECISION

    • This refers to CHURCH LEADERSHIP

      • Jesus is speaking to His 12 apostles in this passage of scripture

  • If they won’t ACCEPT the CHURCH’s DECISION

    • Treat them like a PAGAN and a CORRUPT TAX COLLECTOR

      • Love your enemy (those who hate you), pray for those who persecute you, bless those who curse you

    • The church leadership REMOVES them from the INTIMACY of church FELLOWSHIP

      • They do not participate in the responsibilities nor benefits of joint participation in the work of the ministry of Christ

    • This isn’t harsh, this is scriptural and it protects the body of Christ from:

      • Divisive people

Titus 3:10 New Living Translation

10 If people are causing divisions among you, give a first and second warning. After that, have nothing more to do with them.

Romans 16:17 New Living Translation

17 And now I make one more appeal, my dear brothers and sisters. Watch out for people who cause divisions and upset people’s faith by teaching things contrary to what you have been taught. Stay away from them.

  • Devious people

Proverbs 3:32 English Standard Version

32 for the devious person is an abomination to the Lord,
    but the upright are in his confidence.

2 Timothy 4:14-15 New Living Translation

14 Alexander the coppersmith did me much harm, but the Lord will judge him for what he has done. 15 Be careful of him, for he fought against everything we said.

Matthew 24:10-12 New King James Version

10 And then many will be offended, will betray one another, and will hate one another. 11 Then many false prophets will rise up and deceive many. 12 And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold.

Three Outcomes of Biblical Confrontation

Biblical Confrontation Will Go at Least One of Three Ways

1. YOU grow (in health)

  • You were wrong and learn how to better clarify before confronting

  • You’re heart/motivation was wrong/unhealthy and you have the opportunity to humble yourself, repent and grow

  • You learn how to speak the truth in love, break off the fear of man, and walk in obedience with the Lord

2. THEY grow (in health)

  • They have an opportunity to clarify their heart/intentions 

  • They have the opportunity to humble themselves, repent, and grow

3. THEY leave (This is NEVER a BAD thing, but ALWAYS a HARD thing)

  • Some people leave because they are called by God in different direction

Amos 3:3 New Living Translation

3 Can two people walk together
    without agreeing on the direction?

  • Sometimes people are just called to walk in a different direction

  • Some people leave because they are rebellious

    • We pursue lost sheep, not rebellious sheep

      • Don’t chase after witchcraft, or religious/demonic spirits, and try to convince them to stay in your life

    • The father of the prodigal son allowed his son to leave in rebellion

      • He ran out to meet his son upon his RETURN, not his DEPARTURE

  • Some people leave because they do not want GROW, they are comfortable with dysfunction and a lack of health

    • Those who refuse to spiritually grow can LEAVE, when they want to spiritual grow, they can come back

      • Does not have to be on our terms, but it MUST be on biblical terms

Offense Go, Holy Spirit Come

Matthew 5:21-26 New Living Translation

21 “You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’ 22 But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.

23 “So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24 leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.

25 “When you are on the way to court with your adversary, settle your differences quickly. Otherwise, your accuser may hand you over to the judge, who will hand you over to an officer, and you will be thrown into prison. 26 And if that happens, you surely won’t be free again until you have paid the last penny.

Biblical Confrontation (REAL TALK) is How Jesus Teaches His Followers to Restore Relationship

  • Avoiding confrontation will only result in ANGER that will subject you to a JUDGEMENT that Jesus lays upon murderers

    • Confront in love and have the REAL TALK before it’s too late

    • Stop name calling, stop gossipping, stop slandering, and just forgive and have REAL TALK

  • The devil wants offense to DECEIVE you into leaving the communities that God intends for you to GROW within

    • Much of the western church has left their communities in offense and believe that we can just offer sacrifices of worship here as if nothing is wrong

    • Leave your sacrifice of worship and do YOUR part to pursue reconciliation

  • Eternity begins with the JUDGEMENT SEAT of Christ, the COURT of HEAVEN

    • Settle your differences quickly

      • Get right with your brothers and sisters before you get to this moment

      • Get right in THIS LIFE, where Jesus’ blood covers our sins

    • DON’T cling to UNFORGIVENESS, BITTERNESS, OFFENSE, and HATRED

THREE Invitations for This Morning

  1. Repent and ask FORGIVENESS before the Lord for the REAL TALK we avoided and the OFFENSE we have embraced

  2. Ask the Lord for GRACE to have all of the REAL TALK needed in the future

  3. Commit to being a brother or sister who embraces REAL TALK and will serve the body as HEALTHY WITNESSES to REAL TALK

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REAL TALK || Biblical Confrontation (Part 1)