REAL TALK || Biblical Confrontation (Part 1)

Dec 1

Matthew 18:15-18 New Living Translation

15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

18 “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven.

Real Talk Prioritizes Right Relationship

We Will Not Enjoy Right Relationships in the Body of Christ If We Do Not Embrace Biblical Confrontation

The Context of Matthew 18:15-18

The Disciples Have Been Arguing

Who is the GREATEST? || Matthew 18:1-4

Mark 10:35-45
Luke 22:24-30
James 4:1-3 (The source of these arguments)

James and John OFFEND the other 10 disciples

Mark 10:41 New Living Translation

41 When the ten other disciples heard what James and John had asked, they were indignant.

Jesus calls a child to Himself and tells His disciples that the child is the greatest

Matthew 18:2-4 New King James Version

2 Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, 3 and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Jesus than warns the disciples of the inevitable offense that will come

Matthew 18:7 New King James Version

7 Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes!

Offense = a snare or trap
Cut off anything in your life that is caught in the snare/trap of offense

Jesus tells the disciples, who have been arguing over who will become the greatest, that He would leave 99 great sheep, to go after 1 of the “least”

What is Biblical Confrontation?

Biblical confrontation is Jesus’ way of addressing the sin that harms relationships, while prioritizing the restoration of those relationships

At East Gate we use the axiom REAL TALK

COMMUNICATION || Real Talk

We “real talk” because we desire real relationships built on trust. We have 100% of our conversations, choosing to be authentic, honest, and open with one another. Awkward today, stronger tomorrow.

This is one of the STANDARDS OF LEADERSHIP at East Gate

Meaning that we actively look to empower men and women who are able to BUILD genuine relationships through HONEST communication and PRESERVE them through BIBLICAL confrontation

The Heart Behind Real Talk

The DESIRE for REAL relationships built on TRUST

Many of us avoid real talk because we are not committed to GENUINE and HEALTHY relationships

As followers of Jesus, we shuold be more committed to healthy relationships than we are to comfortable relationships

Growth ONLY takes place in discomfort

Gym, workplace, marriage, family, etc.

Many people settle for shallow relationships built on ease/comfort rather than deep relationships built on trust

Trust is built in different ways, but a simple (NOT EASY) way to start is by having 100% of our conversations

Authentic

I will not pretend to be something I am not

Honest

I will tell the truth, objective and/or subjective, based upon what is appropriate and asked of me

Open

I will not shut people out to protect myself

It is ALWAYS the last 3%-5% of the conversation I DIDN’T have that causes me the most strife in my relationships

An awkward today IS a stronger tomorrow

You WILL improve the more you embrace the awkward

Baby’s learning to walk
Making friends
Talking to the opposite sex
Public speaking

My Heart for Real Talk at East GATE

Biblical confrontation (REAL TALK) is GOOD and HEALTHY

Real Talk is GOOD because Matthew 18:15-17 is Jesus’ intended design for restoring right relationship within the body of Christ
Real Talk is HEALTHY because Jesus is the perfect reflection of God’s heart (thoughts, feelings, and desires) and this process comes directly from Him

A lack of biblical confrontation (real talk) is my SECOND GREATEST CONCERN for East Gate

Daily Secret Place is #1
I have either assisted in or have been a leader in ministry since 2008

The two greatest detriments to ministry I have discovered, BY FAR, are

A lack of daily secret place encounter with the Lord
A lack of real talk or biblical confrontation

East Gate, we need to lean into and MATURE in this area of our shared lives in Christ

Too many of us are hurt by one another and try to hide and cling to offense in our hearts
Or, too many of us try to downplay the hurt and deny the growing offense in our hearts
We work so hard not to say offensive things, rather than learning to speak the TRUTH in love

I have taken our leadership through this teaching, but I believe it is ESSENTIAL for you all to be TAUGHT what biblical confrontation looks like, and how to do it

It is impossible to KNOW what someone has never TAUGHT you
If we don’t learn how to confront one another biblically, we will only create unique ways of COPING with DYSFUNCTION in our lives and relationships

When we REFUSE to confront one another in love, or to have real talk, we are creating UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS
SKIPPING steps, or MOVING TOO QUICKLY through steps also creates UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS

Coping mechanisms are unique ways we appease unhealthy people/situations to avoid confronting them

PeaceFAKERS - creators of coping mechanisms
PeaceBREAKERS - unhealthy causes of coping mechanisms
PeaceMAKERS - embrace biblical confrontation (REAL TALK)

Biblical confrontation MAINTAINS UNITY in the SPIRIT

The flesh, the world, and the demonic all THRIVE when we avoid confrontation and create coping mechanisms
We should never actively LOOK for confrontation, but we should always be ready to EMBRACE it

What Does Biblical Confrontation (REAL TALK) Look Like?

Matthew 18:15-20 New Living Translation

ROUND 1

IF another BELIEVER SINS against YOU

SINS - HAMARTANO - (G264)

to be without a share in
to miss the mark
to err, be mistaken
to miss or wander from the path of uprightness and honour, to do or go wrong
to wander from the law of God, violate God's law, sin

Sometimes you only THINK someone sinned against you

The enemy is a MASTER deceiver and manipulator
CLARIFICATION should ALWAYS precede CONFRONTATION

“What did you mean when you said, did, etc.?”

Clarification can prevent unnecessary confrontation

I have, more times that I would like to admit, found myself sinning against others, because I CONFRONTED NEEDLESSLY rather than CLARIFYING CAREFULLY

Go PRIVATELY

It’s NOT BIBLICAL, or HEALTHY confrontation if you do not FIRST go the person DIRECTLY and PRIVATELY

Proverbs 17:9 New King James Version

9 He who covers a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates friends.

Covers, does NOT mean “pretending, or behaving like it never happened”

Same word used of Noah’s sons when they “covered” their father’s nakedness

You protect FUTURE relationships in the BODY when you go directly and privately to the person that you need to confront/speak with

I have too many stories of RUINED kingdom relationships because of GOSSIP, half-truths, and hearsay

When is it APPROPRIATE to UNCOVER a transgression before going PERSONALLY and PRIVATELY?

When a child is being ABUSED
When someone’s LIFE is, or will be in imminent DANGER
When your life will be in ACTUAL DANGER if you go personally and privately

What do I do if someone comes to me, instead of going to the person that sinned against them?

Do not allow them to UNCOVER what is supposed to be PRIVATE

Please do not allow GOSSIP to take root or thrive at East Gate

Encourage them to go privately and clarify if confrontation/real talk is needed
Require them to go privately and confront, HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE

If they brought you in early, you now bear responsibility

POINT out the OFFENSE

Be specific

If you cannot be SPECIFIC, you haven’t clarified enough
Avoid always/never language
Clarity is kindness

You cannot hold people responsible for expectations that have not been clearly communicated to them
“They should know better,” You only KNOW what you have been TAUGHT

Be honest

Admit the offense
You DON’T want hidden offense growing in your heart
It’s not “mature” to deny offense, it only allows your offense to mature

Proverbs 18:19 New Living Translation

19 An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars.

The Goal is to WIN the Person Back

The Goal of Biblical Confrontation (REAL TALK) is Restoring Right Relationship

The goal is to WIN the PERSON BACK

If your goal is to WIN an ARGUMENT, you’re not having REAL TALK and the confrontation is not BIBLICAL nor HEALTHY

The priority is ALWAYS the RELATIONSHIP

When we make our goal KNOWLEDGE or DOCTRINE the result will be PRIDE and OFFENSE

1 Corinthians 8:1 New Living Translation

8 Now regarding your question about food that has been offered to idols. Yes, we know that “we all have knowledge” about this issue. But while knowledge makes us feel important, it is love that strengthens the church

Matthew 24:10-12 New King James Version

10 And then many will be offended, will betray one another, and will hate one another. 11 Then many false prophets will rise up and deceive many. 12 And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold.

When we feel important, and puffed up with knowledge, and someone disagrees with us, we become offended

Disagreeing with the knowledge that puffs us up, feels like an attack against us, opening the door to offense

An increase in offense, betrayal, and hate within the body will makes us vulnerable to false prophets who will prey upon our offense

False prophets will remove the cost of the cross and justify your unforgiveness, offense, fleshliness, pride, jealousy, lust, etc.

You don’t need to die to yourself, prefer others, or humble yourself
They are WRONG and should be SLANDERED, CURSED, and DEFAMED

This will result in an increase of lawlessness (disobedience to the commands and ways of Jesus) and our love growing cold

East Gate, we are in the LAST DAYS, what will we choose to PRIORITIZE?

Are We Committed to Embracing Biblical Confrontation (REAL TALK)?

Matthew 18:18 New Living Translation